“Super” Bowl Sunday

It comes to no surprise to me that I am no longer invited to the Super Bowl parties.  While most people found themselves surrounded by a buffet of food and beverages before, during, and after the game, I was armed with a pen and a notebook.  Sure, I was excited to see the biggest game of the year, but I was even more interested to see what the advertisers had in store for us.  When a company is spending more than 2.5 million dollars to advertise for 30 seconds, you have to assume that what they are selling must be incredibly important.

Before The Who took the stage, it was painfully obvious that was being sold by Doritos, Snickers, Go-Daddy, Dockers, Dove, Dodge, and FloTV was the definition of masculinity.  Each company spent a lot of money appealing to the stereotypical man.  Because as we all know, “real men” are tough, strong, macho, emotionless, and are providers.

Dockers let you know right up front that men “wear the pants.”  Snickers opted to make light of the idea of Betty White playing football with a bunch of guys.  What really took place though was yet another opportunity for men to be ridiculed by demeaning women….you know, the “you hit like a girl” messaging that all men have heard at some point in their lives.  Doritos was very clear about the message they wanted to sell during the game.  Women are objects.  Plain and simple.  Of course many may have thought it was funny when the young boy slapped the man in the face, telling him to stay away from his chips and his mother, but so much more took place.  The entire time that the woman was in the commercial she was portrayed as an object.  She was seen leaving the room with the camera zoomed into her back side.

The question that must be asked during this messaging is “why”?  Why is it that 7 commercials before halftime focused on defining manhood that illustrates men is such negative ways?  Why were women regularly portrayed as objects?  I have to wonder whether they really care if people eat their chips or wear their pants.  If what they are simply trying to do is to appeal to the ordinary, regular guy watching the big game, what does it say for that average guy?

Dear Shane,

Dear Mr. Shane Oswald,

You are being charged with sexual exploitation by a school employee, distribution of a controlled substance to a minor, and providing alcohol to someone younger than 21.  More specifically, it is reported that you had your first sexual encounter with a student while your wife was in the hospital.  As this inappropriate relationship evolved, you let the student enter your home through a basement window on a number of occasions to once again take advantage of the unequal power you held in this “relationship.”   Each of these charges are significant and warrant punishment if found guilty.  Do us all a favor and stop this charade about your bipolar disorder and your recent attempt of suicide, hoping to distract the public from your alleged crimes.  We know better.

While working as a therapist for a number of years, I typically had 8-10 individuals on my caseload at any given time that were diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  Throughout their treatment, clients experienced both manic and depressive episodes often.  Much of the treatment plan focused on medication management and behavior modification.  I never once worked with someone that reported such ongoing, deliberate behavior.  From what I understand, your inappropriate relationship with this student spanned a number of years.  Are we to believe that each and every encounter you had with this underage student coincided at the very same moment in which you experienced a shift in your mood?  Frankly, I feel like you are hiding behind a disorder that sadly affects thousands.  And by doing so, you are minimizing their experiences.

If I were a gambling man, I would bet that what actually took place in your mind had little to do with your brain chemistry, but rather had much to do with you realizing that the gig was up.  You found out that her mother had made a report to the authorities and you got scared.  And with that fear, you decided to run.  Maybe while sitting in the Miami airport you realized that fleeing the country was not the best strategy.  You reasoned that it would be better to “willingly” return home and face the charges…not before checking yourself into Mercy’s psychiatric unit of course.

Unfortunately, my current position provides me with a great deal of insight on the topic of suicide.  I know that if I were to go to Mercy Hospital and report wanting to kill myself, and detail the way in which I am going to carry this out, I would be hospitalized.  And then maybe I would be diagnosed with a mood disorder such as major depression, bipolar disorder, or a generalized anxiety disorder.

When the time comes Shane, do us all a favor and tell the truth.  You must know we have seen this story played out thousands upon thousands of times.  Confess to the fact that you took advantage of your position in school to have sex with a student.  Confess that you knew it was inappropriate to be giving alcohol and drugs to someone under the age of 21.  You knew that by giving a freshman student your personal cell phone number and providing her counsel, that you were merely making an attempt to gain her trust; grooming her for later exploitation.

Sincerely,

Josh M. Jasper

Calm Like a Bomb

The Riverview roller coaster is gaining speed.  This week I have had some outstanding meetings, including presentations that have hit the mark, resulting in an increased interest in our work.  It’s hard to describe how it feels when I meet with a community member that is as motivated as I am about our mission, and is willing to dig in and get to work.  It’s the truest form of motivation for me.

Then I begin to hear that sound you hear as the coaster slows, nearing the top of the hill.  Click, click, click, click.  I’m at the top now and I know what’s next.

I had just gotten back from delivering a presentation to the Dubuque Rotary Club on our “Coaching Boys Into Men” program when I heard the news.  Our funding in Iowa was cut $41,000.  The  coaster ride just turned the corner and I was nosediving toward the ground.  This white-knuckle ride has been too familiar as of late.

At least with a roller coaster you know that the ride will eventually end.  What you pay for is what you get.  It’s hard for me sometimes to know what exactly we are “paying for” when it comes to these funding cuts.  What does it mean when our federal, state, and local governments experience revenue reductions and the first to be cut are the services primarily for women and children?  Surely this pattern is no coincidence year after year.

1,000 friends…and counting

At 2:30pm today, Riverview Center officially had 1,000 friends!  Okay, these friends are on our Facebook page but that still counts right?   Now if I can just figure out how to stop having people send my “mystery eggs,” or invite me to a “barn raising,” or ask me to join them in a rousing game of “Mafia Wars.”  Enough already.  I think it’s fair to assume that Riverview Center, the place that envisions a community free of violence, is not going to spend a lot of time in the land of “Mafia Wars!”

I’ve shared how Riverview’s Facebook page has helped people in the past and how it continues to serve as a bridge to our services as our friend list grows.  It’s obvious that this social networking site that has more than 321 million members has succeeded in connecting long-lost friends, classmates, and others, but it also opens up a whole world of information that, when in the wrong hands, is quite harmful.  The never-ending  examples of young women being lured through Facebook by men that want nothing more than sex is frightening.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for everyone knowing as much as possible about Riverview Center, our services, and how our friends can  help.  Talking about rape crisis center services and talking about your every detail during the day is quite different though.  The unfortunate reality is that there are many people on Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, and other sites solely for the purpose to hurt others.  With that said, be mindful of what you post for everyone to see.  Does anyone really need to know that you had a rough day AND that you are heading to the bar to drink until you pass out?  I assure you that there are some people who read that and immediately wonder how they can take advantage of that knowledge.

Also, be mindful that of those 321 million friends out there, quite a few of them are either your current employer or potentially your future employer.  I was in a meeting recently where we were discussing the hiring an individual for a company and the first question was whether they had a Facebook page or not.  Coming from someone in a management position, it is NOT in your best interest for your boss to see pictures of you doing shots of alcohol or read about how much you hate your job.

Be smart out there.  Your “friends” are watching.

Light It Up!

On November 17th, 2007 at 8:00am everything went black, and stayed so until 3 days ago.  Two and half years later we elected to light it all up once again.  Judging how the last 72 hours have gone, I think we made a mistake.

We once again have cable television.  I’m sure Dish Network was more than happy to have us back.  I’m just not so sure that I’m happy to have them back.  Even with the most basic package we have more than 300 channels.  I am surprised to see what has changed over the years.  Isaac got a hold of the remote the other day and the next thing I know live television was paused.  It took me a few minutes of pushing a number of colorful buttons to get back to “live tv.”

So what has caught my attention now that I am back in the loop of cable television?  Violence.  Were you surprised?

I can’t get over how much violence is found, and how it is completely normalized.  Everything from the 4 channels that continuously run episodes of Law and Order to the countless cartoon channels where SpongeBob  resolves most situations with violence.  I also feel obligated to point out how ridiculous the messaging has become about what a “real man” is that is found in every nook and cranny of television.  I caught about 2 minutes of a show called “Ax Men” on the History Channel before I could take no more.  “Think your mornings are rough?  The Ax Men head to the woods before the crack of dawn.  These guys are real men.”  Funny…I don’t feel any more manly getting up first thing in the morning to fill my wood burner or to spend my weekends cutting wood.  I guess I’m not giving myself enough credit!  It is also no coincidence that during shows like this the commercials are the hyper masculine ads from Axe (you know, the body spray that drives women crazy) or from Ford showcasing “real men” being “Ford Tough.”

Moderation will be the key term regarding our viewing from here on out…I hope.

Sincerly Thankful

I think it’s most fitting to start the year with an entry sharing how thankful I am for the community support we received in this past year.  I know I’ve written about and presented on the importance of our community supporting Riverview Center’s vision of a community free of sexual violence thousands of times, and will continue to do so because of how true that is.  To prove my point, consider the following examples in 2009:

1.  John Cooke attended a small event in a person’s home this past year that consisted of a presentation from myself and a show titled “In Celebration of Women.”  The entire evening lasted no longer than 2 hours, but the impact it had on John will undoubtedly last a lifetime.  John pulled me aside at the end of the evening and stated the following: “We have to do more.  We have to pull the rug back on this issue of men’s violence against women and let everyone know about this major problem.  Everyone should be made aware.  I had no idea!”  Soon thereafter John made a substantial donation to Riverview to allow us to present  the very same empowering show for the entire Galena community.  After the Galena show he committed to supporting Riverview again to allow the Dubuque community to receive this valuable information.

2.  A survivor of sexual abuse that was receiving our services over the past year stated the following during her last session with her counselor:  “I can finally sleep.  My life was filled with nightmares before Riverview came into my life.”  This heartfelt thank you boosted the spirits of every employee in our organization, and made it crystal clear why we work as hard as we do day in and day out.

3.  Riverview’s violence prevention group (END-IT) delivered the Coaching Boys Into Men/Coaching Girls Into Women program to the tri-state area.  Soon after the implementation of this incredible program, NICC agreed to partner with our efforts and allowed this program to be included in their coaching certification process.  Each and every month nearly a dozen coaches were trained at NICC on this program.  Don Vrotsos and Dan Avenarius (members of this volunteer group) agreed to present this program each month.  There was no way Riverview could have taken on this time intensive responsibility without their help and the help of every other volunteer in this group.

4.  Every year Riverview Center hosts a fashion show at Eagle Ridge in Galena.  This event requires months of planning and work to ensure that more than 150 guests have a wonderful experience.  All of this planning and work is done by a group of volunteers.  Nearly 10 volunteers meet every year to support Riverview through this fundraising effort and raise close to $10,000 to make sure that our services are never affected by the never-ending roller coaster that is state funding.  They recognize that  it is absolutely paramount that Riverview continues to offer FREE services to those in need.  Charging someone to receive counseling for their victimization would be like being victimized all over again.

5.  This past November we sent our 3,500 appeal letters to the community.  This annual letter is sent to members of our community asking to once again support our services.  As you can imagine, the production of that many letters is incredibly time-consuming.  It was around that time that we created a Facebook page for Riverview to help raise awareness of who we are.  Unbelievably, after just a few posts on our Facebook page, a group of volunteers formed and committed nearly a week’s worth of time to carry out this important task.  A special thanks to the folks at RSVP over at Finley Hospital and everyone else that found time in their day to help us out.

There is no doubt that I could add hundreds of other examples of support that we received over the past year.  It will be because of this growing dedication that one day there will be no need for me to write about our work.

Ron’s Smoke Shop

I’ve been attacked!  While going through my checking account online today, I noticed two purchases made at Ron’s Smoke Shop.  This prompted an immediate call to my wife to inquire about what appeared to be a new habit for her.   As suspected, someone hacked our check cards and stocked up on cigars and booze. 

I’ve experienced this type of violence before.  Yes, this destructive action is certainly a form of violence in my mind.  When living in Los Angeles someone managed to hack my checking account through the bank’s server and withdraw $999 from my checking account.  One more dollar would have triggered an alert of some sort.  This guy was good.  When it was all said and done, he withdrew $999 from hundreds of other accounts before anyone was the wiser. 

My bank suggested that I stop by Ron’s Smoke  Shop today to gather any information they may have about these transactions.  And so I took my promotion to detective seriously and made my way to Ron’s.  I immediately knew something was askew the moment I drove into the snow-covered parking lot.  The windows were dark, the store was empty, and for sale signs were plastered all over the building.  The plot thickened. 

Who was this person that threatened my financial livelihood?  And how was he making purchases within a store that appeared to have been closed for months?  The feelings of anger I have had were turning into a mild case of paranoia.  Questions began to fill my head.  How did this person get my seemingly private information?  The bank assured me that the account was intact and that the breach likely occurred from a third-party transaction.  Did someone get into my Netflix account?  If so, I doubt they were scared off by my recent movie requests of “Brokeback Mountain” and Woody Allen’s “Everyone Says I Love You”….take it easy, I’m not the only one picking movies on that thing!

I’ve already started thinking about how I am going to change my spending habits to thwart off a future attack, and I’m blaming myself and wondering what I could have done differently to prevent this from happening to me.

The Few, the Proud, the Marines

All of the memories came flooding back when I turned the corner on Highway 17 to find the main gate to Camp Lejeune (Marine Corps base) in North Carolina today.  It’s been 10 long years since I was last on a Marine Corps base.  I vividly remember my last day in the Marine Corps a decade ago leaving 29 Palms, CA.  I had my 1993 Pontiac Grand Am filled with all of my belongings and was headed back to Iowa.

I am here today for a two-day violence prevention training.  The senior enlisted Marines are being trained on the prevention program called Mentors in Violence Prevention.  (MVP)  The premise of this program is to empower individuals, organizations, and institutions to be role models for their peers, teaching common day scenarios that equip attendees with tools to become active bystanders when violence occurs.  It was a great first day of training, focusing on the prevalence of men’s violence against women, the history of the prevention program, and discussions about how to effectively teach fellow Marines how to change the social norms that contribute to violence.

My plan is to become a trainer of this program and to implement this incredible program into our local schools.  I was also asked to attend this training by the creator of the program, Jackson Katz, so that I could help his efforts in training the military throughout the world.  Although many of the things I learned in the Marines are fresh in my memory, I had forgotten about how strong the bond amongst Marines is, and how that environment breeds leadership. 

Leading by example and role modeling is an everyday practice in the lives of these men and women.

The Last Samurai

If you haven’t seen “The Last Samurai” with Tom Cruise in it, it’s worth a look.  I hadn’t seen that movie in a while and decided to “Netflix it”  this weekend.  The story of the The Samurai is quite compelling, and proved to fuel my motivation in my work.  At one point in the movie, American soldier Nathan Algren (Tom Cruise) was taken prisoner by a handful of Samurai.  During his imprisonment, Nathan learns the way of the Samurai and soon begins to embody their culture.  At one point in the movie, the American soldier notes the following about his captors:

“They are an intriguing people. From the moment they wake they devote themselves to the perfection of whatever they pursue. I have never seem such discipline.” 

You see during this scene men and women waking at dawn to pursue complete perfection in their work.  People are practicing hand to hand combat, tending to their livestock, and working as blacksmiths, completely fulfilled with their role in life and driven to master their respective trades.  As I repeatedly watched that scene, I began to wonder about the sense of satisfaction they must have felt knowing that were giving every ounce of their energy to something they truly believed in.  There were no days of question,  no days that in which they went to work only to go through the motions.  At the end of the day they knew they had given everything.

Incredible things have been accomplished in our work by a relatively small handful of individuals.   Can you even begin to imagine the change that would take place in our entire community if every single member woke every day with the same desire to end violence that we strive towards?  During the movie the Samurai take 500 men into battle armed with nothing more than swords against  an Imperial Army consisting of thousands of men that are armed with rifles, the use of artillery, and the newly invented Gatling machine guns.  The Samurai overwhelmed the Army with their abilities and committment.  

Creating a community free of sexual violence would be realized overnight with the same kind of community committment.

The Gift of Giving

Last night’s dinner discussion  in our home was about our Christmas budget.  The gift list hanging on the refrigerator seems to grow everyday.   And if you were wondering,  my Grandma wins the Lifetime Achievement Award for most difficult to shop for.  Last night we sat at the dinning  room table, plotting the course of how to check everyone off the list and still have food on the table at the end of the month.

Buying gifts for the people you care most about certainly is rewarding.  This feeling got me thinking about another gift given to one of our clients recently.  Our Legal/Medical Advocate had a client that was sexually abused and feared for her well-being in her home.  This fear was so great that it was determined that she must  replace the locks on all of the doors of her house.  

Take a moment and think about that type of fear…being afraid to be in your own home.

We’re a nonprofit organization that provides all of our services for free.  Extra money can be difficult to come by, even when we need it for the most worthy of causes.  Thankfully, due to the work of our advocate and the generosity of a local group, $160 was donated to purchase and install the new locks for our client.  I can only imagine the appreciation that our client felt for this incredible gift.  As our advocate was relaying this incident to me, I could feel how good she felt about being able to help someone in need. 

Psychologists say that it is often the giver, rather than the recipient, who reaps the biggest psychological gains from a gift.  We would not have the dedicated staff that we do if this was not an absolute certainty.