I’m sitting here at Jitterz, sipping on an espresso drink, listing to some Pearl Jam, thinking about my community.  I’m still a little hopped up from some meetings I’ve had this week.  I’ve had the opportunity to meet with some people to share the mission of Riverview Center, with the hopes of getting them involved in our important work.  It’s these meetings that I feel a little like a Star Wars Jedi.  There will be a point in the conversation when I’m looking the person in the eye, sharing about the prevalence of domestic and sexual violence, and it happens.  I can see it in their eyes; they get it.  The energy in the room becomes electric, and they’re in…all the way.

Remember the scene from Star Wars with Obi-Wan?

Now that the caffeine is flowing through my veins, (I rarely drink espresso) it’s all becoming quite clear.  People want to get involved; they want to make a difference.  Sometimes though, they need to be given the opportunity, and that’s our job.

Let’s create an army together; an army of Storm Troopers fixed on the eradication of violence.  Yeah, it’s time for a refill!

Someone posted a comment on one of my blog posts today that I wrote on October 10th of last year.  (B.F.F.)  This individual is from an organization titled “Men Are Not Abusers.”  Men are not abusers…really?  According to the Department of Justice, more than 90% of all violence perpetrated in our society is done by men.  To be clear, the statistic does not state that 90% of all men are violent.  Again, 90% of VIOLENCE is perpetrated by men.  This is an important distinction to make.  Anyone familiar with the criminal justice system, criminology, or victim services would tell you the same.

Throughout my career I have worked for 6 different organizations in California and in Iowa that serve victims of violence.  I have counseled hundreds of men, women, and children that were abused by women.  With that said though, if I’ve counseled 100 people who were victimized by a woman, I’ve provided services to 1,000 people who have been abused by men.

1 in 6 boys are sexually assaulted before the age of 18.  The abuse of boys and men is a major public health issue in our country.  With that said, more than 80% of the males we serve at Riverview Center were abused by a man.

Sadly, a great deal of men are violent and need help.  We must redefine what it means to be a man who doesn’t include degrading women and girls.  We must broaden the definition of masculinity to include strength of character, integrity, and respect, while empowering men and boys to express themselves beyond anger and rage.  We are better than this and need more men and boys to speak out and be a role model for others.

 

Here’s the comment posted from “Men Are Not Abusers:”

Cardiff council deputy leader Neil McEvoy has called for an investigation of organizations running women’s shelters. He says he’s received information that they knowingly abet mothers who defy court orders allowing fathers contact with their children. Read about it here (Wales Online, 1/14/12).

It wasn’t too long ago that McEvoy raised a firestorm of protest by simply saying the same thing – that women’s shelters help mothers keep children from fathers by accepting at face value all allegations of abuse. He was temporarily suspended from his council position because of his claims. Now he’s calling for the Welsh Children’s Commissioner, Keith Towler, to investigate “third sector” groups.

Those groups are analogous to non-profit organizations in the United States that operate women’s DV shelters. The ones in Wales, as here, receive taxpayer money to provide services. That of course raises the important question of whether the public purse should be used to thwart the orders of public courts regarding father-child contact.

In an open letter to the Children’s Commissioner for Wales, Keith Towler, Coun McEvoy writes: “I call on you now to initiate a commission or committee to look at how some of the third sector operates in the closed world of family breakdown, which involves children.

“The respected charity Families Need Fathers Both Parents Matter Cymru has confirmed that its clients claim that some third sector groups in Wales support mothers who are breaking court orders. Such groups are publicly-funded.

“Furthermore, such groups offer what is termed, ‘non-judgemental support’. Non-judgemental support essentially involves such groups believing and acting upon any allegation which is made. Reports are written and submitted to various agencies and yet no checking is done. False allegations can and are at times written as fact. This practice severely distorts the child having a fair chance of a reasonable relationship with both parents, as stated in the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, which has been adopted in law by the Welsh Government.”

Needless to say, all of that closely parallels the situation in the United States. It was just last year that I reported on the abductions of a little boy by his mother, Wendi Lee Bartell-Dimm. She had been married to a Canadian logger named Danny Dimm. They split up and she got custody, but refused to allow their little boy to see his father. When the court ordered an extensive period of time for father and son to be together, Bartell-Dimm simply abducted the boy.

She was found within a few days, but, since the court refused to punish her wrongdoing in any way, the incident served only as a lesson in how to improve her abduction technique. The next time she abducted the boy, she was far more effective. In fact, she vanished entirely. That led one Minnesota private detective who specializes in parental abductions of children to surmise that she’d be found in a domestic violence shelter. And sure enough, she was. A DV shelter in North Dakota had been harboring her for two months before she was found and arrested, and the child sent to live with his father.

That incident demonstrates a lot of what Neil McEvoy and many fathers’ rights groups are alleging. Bartell-Dimm was in no way a victim of domestic violence; she had barely even seen Danny Dimm since they divorced almost two years previously. But that didn’t stop her from being taken in by a DV shelter. There, as in Wales, claims of being a victim of DV are taken at face value, no questions asked. The unsurprising result is that DV shelters often take in women who aren’t victims of domestic violence. That in turn means that women who are victims of DV often have nowhere to go; their beds are occupied by women like Wendi Lee Bartell-Dimm and others.

Why, for example, are only 25% of the homeless women? I suspect that one of the reasons is that DV shelters are used by women who would otherwise be on the streets. Now, it can be argued that those women need shelter regardless of the reason why. That’s true, but domestic violence shelters are supposed to take in victims of domestic violence; that’s what the money is budgeted for. If we want to budget money for the homeless, fine, but let’s admit what we’re doing.

Likewise, those who donate to non-profit organizations that provide services to DV victims probably think they’re supporting, well, DV victims. What we learn from certain studies, the Bartell-Dimm case and Neil McEvoy’s claims, however, is that money supposedly spent for DV services is in fact spent for other things.

Into the bargain, the Bartell-Dimm case shows exactly what McEvoy is alleging – that DV shelters help mothers separate fine, loving fathers from their children. Danny Dimm was a good father who eventually got custody of his son, but a DV shelter in North Dakota went to bat against him. It aided criminal wrongdoing by a mother; it helped deny a father to a child; it allowed a woman who was not a victim of DV to occupy space that could have been used by an actual victim; and it did all of that with your tax money and mine.

It’s that sort of thing that Neil McEvoy thinks is happening in Wales and his opinion is supported by the allegations of a great number of fathers who’ve had experiences similar to those of Danny Dimm.

So he wants an investigation, and I hope he gets one. It’s always been one of the keys to the DV establishment’s ability to separate children from their fathers that DV shelters don’t investigate the claims of victimization of women seeking their services. Taking all claims at face value is an absolute guarantee that some women will abuse the system. How could it be otherwise?

So there’s ample justification for governments and non-profits to demand some sort of proof by DV shelters that the women they accept are actually victims of DV and not criminals on the run from the law. And once governments start demanding that sort of accountability, the DV establishment is going to have to start behaving very differently from what it has all along.

Whatever happens with McEvoy’s request for an investigation, DV shelters play a vital role in depriving children of their fathers. That has to stop. Women who truly need a place to go to avoid violence by a partner shouldn’t be turned away because mothers are using the space to keep children from their fathers.

Coun McEvoy goes on to state that he firmly believes in the right to refuge and the right to be protected, adding: “I would comment, however, that we seem to have developed a family breakdown industry whereby organisations receive millions of pounds in public money and seem to be straying into areas which should not concern them.The issue of contact between a parent and its child should be dealt with by a court of law when disputes are irreconcilable. Organisations which involve themselves in contact disputes on the side usually of the mother in my view are acting ultra vires and are going beyond their remit.

“As you are well aware, a court order for contact is only awarded when an assessment has been done of usually a father and when a court of law has decided that it is in the best interests of the child to see its father. I have been made aware of a number of examples where a number of good fathers claim to have been denied contact, with their court orders being ignored, while the mother is being supported by a third sector group.

“I made you aware of three organisations in the family justice review that are alleged to be operating in this way.”

There are far more than that, I’d wager, and far, far more in the United States. It’s high time that Congress stopped turning a blind eye to the abuses and misuses of public monies in the guise of helping female DV victims. It’s long past time that Congress stopped funding the separation of children and fathers.

According to Lance Farrell, founder of Farrell’s eXtreme Bodyshaping (FXB) fitness program, his mission is simple: “We want to inspire you to live your life with power and purpose.”  I have been a member of the Dubuque FXB for nearly one year.  It was at this time last year that I made a commitment to myself to make 2011 about me and to begin living a healthier lifestyle.  Over the past 12 months, I have lost more than 40 pounds, lost inches to my waistline, gained lifelong friends, and regained a great deal of confidence.  Although those accomplishments are great, they are not why I feel compelled to write today.

Today, more than 60 people gathered at FXB to truly live their lives with “power and purpose.”  Riverview Center provides thousands of hours of counseling and advocacy services to women, children, and men each year that have been physically and sexually abused.  It’s this time of the year that we are reminded how fortunate we all really are.  It’s hard for me to imagine a Christmas that does not involve gifts.  I have countless memories of Christmas growing up.  I can remember racing downstairs Christmas morning before dawn to find present after present for me and my brothers.  Santa Claus always made it to our house, and was more generous than I could ever understand.

Many of the children that we serve at Riverview Center do not expect Santa to come this year.  For some, Mr. Claus has never made it down their chimney.  Two weeks ago, Jim Normandin and Kip and Laci Hoffmann made sure that this was not going to happen again.  Together, they organized a kickboxing class for today that was designed to generate gifts for the families we serve.

Thousands of dollars worth of gifts were donated.  It’s hard to put into words what took place today.  Lance Farrell created a program aimed at empowering people to live a life with power and purpose, and I have to believe his vision was realized today.  The people we serve have been stripped of their power.  They wrongfully blame themselves for what happened and feel like they are all alone.  60 members of Dubuque’s FXB got together today to let the 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys that are sexually assaulted in our community know that they are in fact, not alone.

Margaret Mead had it right:  ”A small group of thoughtful people could change the world. Indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”  We will realize our vision of a community free of violence at Riverview Center not because of the work we do as an organization, but rather, it will be because of the work that we as a community accomplish together.

Thank you all.

To the countless people in our community that rape and physically or emotionally abuse others, this message is for you:  Please STOP!  Is it possible that you don’t see how much pain and suffering you are creating for others?  You need help.  You are better than this.  I sincerely believe that you are.  I believe you are making a choice to hurt the people closest to you for reasons that only you know.  Most importantly, I believe that you know what you are doing is wrong and that you are able to stop if you so choose.  Please choose to stop now.

The women and children that come into our offices for the first time can’t make eye contact with me.  Your prolonged abusive behavior has made them fearful of all men.  Symptoms include depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and suicide, to name just a few.  Look at what you have done.  And for what?  What have you really gained through all of this?  Nothing.  Not only have you lost the people closest to you, but in the process, you have slowly lost the person that you once were.

You weren’t always this way.  I know better.  I can see right through you.  You are not the strong and powerful person you think you are.  No, you are quite the opposite.  I see someone who is unable to express their feelings effectively.  You’re afraid to look inward and explore why you are filled with such anger and hurt.  My guess is that those painful feelings have been there for a long time.  Imagine how much pain could be eliminated for you and others if you took the time to heal yourself.

There are people out there that want to help you.  My suggestion to you is that you seek counseling.  If you don’t know where to look, ask me.  (josh@riverviewcenter.org)  No judgment.  I want you to get the help you need.  It’s too easy to demonize you, and most will do that for me without asking.  But that’s not going to change anything.  It won’t change the woman’s reality I talked to tonight that was once abused and is now fearful that her children are next.

You have to change.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I just found out that coach went to jail. I guess he was hurting Jimmy. I can’t believe he would do something like that. He’s always been so good to us. He’s one of the only adults that we all liked to be around. I looked up to him and worked so hard to make him happy. I trusted him.

One of our teachers said today that coach was touching Jimmy’s private parts. What does that mean? Why didn’t Jimmy tell anyone this was happening? I am really confused, mom. How come we’ve never talked about this before? What if someone starts touching me? Who should I tell? Would you be mad at me? Jimmy stopped coming to school. Everyone stopped talking to him and some people are mad at him for telling on coach. Jimmy doesn’t deserve this. How come no one is talking about all of this?

Someone just told me that Mr. Shaw saw Jimmy being touched by coach one time. Why didn’t he stop him, dad? You and mom always tell me about how we should help other people.

How come no one helped Jimmy?

Talk to me…please. I need you to help me make sense of all of this.

Love,

Josh

People across the country were shocked as the news broke about the sex abuse scandal that rocked Penn State.  So much has been said and written about what allegedly took place between Jerry Sandusky and a number of young boys.  President Obama, ESPN reporters, and any and all newspapers or news stations have chimed in.

For the most part, the most important points have yet to be addressed.

I feel my response to this sex abuse scandal is different from most.  I am not shocked…not in the least.  My disgust with the grand jury report has little to do with the details about how Sandusky groomed his victims, and more to do with how so many people knew what was going on and remained silent.  If anything, this is what shocks me most.

I believe the vast majority of our society does not want this type of violence to ever exist.  Very few people want women, children, and men to experience sexual and domestic violence.  I also believe that if given the appropriate skills, we can effectively eradicate this behavior.  With that said though, WE are part of the problem….the problem does not rest solely on the shoulders of someone like Jerry Sandusky.  By removing a Joe Paterno, Jerry Sandusky, or a even Graham Spanier (university president) the problem itself does not leave with them.  The issue is much larger and more complex than that.

To begin, I think it’s important to clarify a few important points.  First and foremost, it is not happenstance that a sexual predator becomes a coach, teacher, Boy Scout leader, priest, or any other person that has influence, access, and trust.  For example, the grand jury report notes the specific ways in which Jerry Sandusky groomed his victims.  He showered some of those boys with gifts, gave them special access to events, and made a pointed effort to gain their trust.  Statistically speaking, an average sexual predator has between 150–200 victims in their lifetime.  They know what they are doing.

Here’s where we are a part of the problem: Time and time again we as a society are shocked by someone who is found guilty of rape and domestic violence.  Immediately the press interviews next door neighbors, friends, coworkers, and family, and they all tell the same story.  Everyone is baffled as to how such a seemingly nice guy could inflict so much pain and suffering onto others.  Rapists are not individuals that are identified by the hump on their back or their third eye.   More than 90% of the survivors we serve at Riverview Center were assaulted by a family member.

I get it though.  It’s not easy to accept that we live in communities in which the greatest danger comes from the people we trust the most, but that is our reality.  And until we accept that, we can never move past the shock and into action.

So let’s talk about action.  This is where so many failed and where we as a society continue to fail at epic proportions.  The grand jury report revealed that more than 10 people knew of Sandusky’s inappropriate behavior with young boys and did relatively nothing to stop it.  By doing nothing, those 10 individuals consented to his criminal behavior.  We live in an incredibly passive society in which we too often assume that someone else is going to take care of a problem or that it’s none of our business.  Or worse yet, we do nothing for fear that it will tarnish the reputation of an individual or institution.  This needs to change now.

We need to realign our priorities.  The reason so many people did not intervene at Penn State was because somewhere along the line, winning football games became more important than the safety of children.  Why does ANYONE care about Joe Paterno’s legacy?  So much conversation has been about Joe’s future.  Our focus should be on the children that were assaulted and any other children that may have been harmed.  I have yet to see Penn State issue a statement that is focused on other individuals that Sandusky may have assaulted.  This university should be doing everything in their power to provide support and services to anyone harmed by this very dangerous man.

Policies, procedures, core values and beliefs must all be examined at Penn State.  The institution failed these children, not just a single person.  An environment must be created in which janitors, coaches, graduate students, and anyone else feel empowered to come forward to report abuse and know that if action is not taken, they have the responsibility to do more; much, much more.

Parents must begin talking to their children at a very early age about what constitutes a good and bad touch.  Children must  know the appropriate names of their body parts and feel comfortable coming to a trusted adult to share if someone is touching them inappropriately.  Additionally, parents must be more mindful of healthy and unhealthy boundaries that may exist between their children and an adult.  If you are unsure about these topics, call us.  (563-557-0310)  We provided violence prevention programming to more than 44,000 students last year.  We can help you with this.

To close, it’s easy to vilify someone like Jerry Sandusky and believe that if we find him guilty of his actions and imprison him, our communities are once again safe.  This type of thinking is not only naive, but is also very dangerous.  The solution to this problem requires a commitment from everyone to change.  We must invest heavily into changing the norm.  Sexual and domestic violence is a learned behavior, and it permeates nearly every facet of our lives.  This learned behavior can change though.  In order to realize this change, we have to start with ourselves.  We must examine our own attitudes and beliefs that may support and reinforce the behavior of someone like Jerry Sandusky.  We then must lead by example, acting as a positive role model for others to learn from.

In 2008, Penn State earned $91,570,233 from their football program…..91 MILLION dollars.  Imagine if for just one year Penn State invested that money back into their college for the sole purpose of creating a safer campus.  Tranformative change would undoubtedly occur, having a ripple effect well beyond the university.

Last night I had the opportunity to present in a class for veterans at the University of Wisconsin-Platteville.  I was asked to specifically address anger management.  Before the presentation I sat in my car thinking back to the days that I was in the Marine Corps.  I remembered feeling powerful, proud, and respected.  I had a purpose.  There were challenges like any job, but those challenges often proved to be easily overcome with strong leadership and decisiveness.  What I remember most though, is the camaraderie.  We were a band of brothers.  I may not have liked everyone, and everyone certainly didn’t like me at times, but in the end, there was never a question of allegiance.  I knew with absolute certainty that I was not alone.

I asked the young men to briefly introduce themselves before my presentation.  Most of the class had been in Iraq or Afghanistan at some point in time during their military careers.  I was in the presence of heroes.  They have given more for our country than most can ever understand or truly appreciate.

My objective last night was to create a space in which the members of the audience felt comfortable enough to share their experiences with anger, so that together, we could identify strategies to effectively cope with those feelings.  It was a courageous group.  They let me push.  I challenged them to explore beyond their feelings of anger.  I asked them to take a brief look at what lied beneath all of that rage.  What we found nearly brought me to me knees.

These men are drowning in depression and anxiety due to the aftermath of being in war, and now have nowhere to turn; no support.   Girlfriends, wives, friends and family members don’t understand why they can’t get close; why they struggle with social gatherings, and other seemingly normal activities.  They feel alone, unsupported, unappreciated, devalued, and very angry.  During our discussion last night many of the men shared a darker side that they have now; a side they try to suppress and forget about, but take active steps to ensure it is never revealed.  It is a scary place for them.  This dark place presents as anger, but when examined further, is pain.  This is a type of pain I know nothing of.  Their pain is excruciating and brought tears to my eyes as they shared.

These wounded warriors are trying to make sense of a world they feel does not understand them.  They spoke with tears in their eyes of the children they saw starving in the streets and the people bathing in the sewers and are now asked to adjust to a civilian lifestyle that does not want to know about those atrocities.  They were given orders to shoot to kill and to then return home as if nothing ever happened….as if they were not injured themselves.

Be clear, these men are not expecting ticker tape parades or pats on their backs for their service, but for them to give so much of themselves and to now be forgotten is unethical, if not criminal.  Where is the support system they deserve and so dearly need?  Something must change and change now before it is too late.

While preparing for Halloween, I was in Wal-Mart looking for a costume to complement Isaac’s Scooby Doo outfit.  I decided I was going to be his best friend, Shaggy, and I needed to find a wig and a fake beard.  After passing the countless bags of candy corn, mini Snickers, and other “Scooby snacks,” I made my way into the costume section.

The aisles were overflowing with costumes, separated by both age and gender.  Toddlers had the choice of being a bumblebee, Buzz Lightyear, a cheerleader, a witch, and Spiderman, to name just a few.  As I made my way down the aisle, I found myself looking at the options that women were given.  It wasn’t long before I had my phone in hand, taking pictures.  There were approximately eight different costumes for women, all of which included shorts, skirts, fishnets, and low-cut tops.

A few teenage guys were next to me trying on wigs and sunglasses and noticed I was taking pictures of the different costumes.  They told me they were all dressing up as Justin Bieber.  To my dismay, they had never heard of Scooby Doo, much less Shaggy.  I asked them what they thought of the costumes sold to women.  One of the guys took one glance at the selection and said, “They are hot!  They all look like a bunch of sluts!”  The guys laughed.

I am not trying to take the fun out of Halloween, but I do feel like we need to take a closer look at what is going on with the costumes provided for men, women, boys and girls, and question how our attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors are influenced by wearing and approving these particular outfits.

To begin with, what kinds of expectations are we giving women and girls when we only provide them with costumes that set them up to be objectified?  Sexual objectification is seeing a person as a sexual object and emphasizing her sexual attributes and physical attractiveness, while deemphasizing her existence as a living person with emotions and feelings of her own.  In my experience, violence is too often the outcome when women and girls are objectified.  Why would we want to reinforce this behavior?

Furthermore, take a closer look at the occupations provided to boys and girls with Halloween costumes.  Girls are often given the options to dress up as a waitress, maid, a sexy nurse, and a flirty officer, whereas boys are given the options of a doctor, a superhero, police officer, Marine, a SWAT team member, and a pilot.  Ask any 5^th grade girl what she wants to be when she grows up and I doubt she aspires to wait tables and clean up after others.  No, my guess is that she wants to be a doctor, a lawyer, or even the President of the United States.

It occurred to me as I left Wal-Mart that my Halloween observations served as an excellent teachable moment for me to share with Isaac.  When I got home I asked him why he had chosen to be Scooby Doo.  He shared that he liked how Scooby talked and thought he was funny.  I recognize that as Isaac gets older, his interest in costumes will undoubtedly change and Scooby and the gang will soon be discarded.  As those interests change though, I will be there to encourage him to be what he wants to be, rather than what others expect.

A recent letter to the editor submitted regarding the billboard campaign I created that advocated for creating a gay friendly community:  (you can see an image of the billboard in the blog entry titled “Angry, Inc.”)

Support for gay marriage misguided compassion

From the Rev. Harold J. Drexler

St. Paul said: “Let love be genuine…hold fast to what is good.  Love one another with brotherly affection.”-Romans 12:9-10.  ”Speak the truth in love.”-Ephesians 4:15

What are the gay billboards (“Creating Gay Friendly Community”) meant to teach?

• Does “Gay,” as generally understood mean homosexual behavior?
• “Friendly,” meaning accepting, encouraging gays in same-sex lifestyle?
• “Community,” meaning local citizens, most of whom hold that same-sex couples undermine the marriage of man and woman?

In contrast, for those believing in divine revelation, “friendly community” has the meaning of compassion, love for all.  This compassion embraces the man or woman feeling dangerous same-sex attraction.  Same-sex couples misled into counterfeit marriage need our compassion similar to the compassion we have for someone “married” to an alcoholic drink “an alcoholic).  Being an “enabler” is not compassion.

Feeling same-sex attraction is neither sinful nor immoral.  Freely giving into the attraction is.  The friendly community lives the truth that the family is the basic unit of their community.  The community encourages each man and woman toward man-woman marriage as the only fulfilling way for their complementary sexual nature.

We speak with concern that cohabitation, divorce, gay “marriage” and recreational sex undermine true marriage to the detriment of all.  Speaking up for true marriage is not being hateful to anyone.

“Let us speak the truth in love,” truth learned from divine revelation.  Let us guard against misleading anyone by a mistaken compassion.

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Here is my response to this letter in a subsequent letter to the editor:

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In response to Rev. Drexler’s letter dated 10/18/11, in which it was asked what the gay billboard campaign “creating a gay-friendly community” is meant to teach:

“Gay” is referring to homosexuality, “friendly” refers to kind and pleasant, and “community” refers to a group of people.   Riverview Center’s current advertising campaign that includes billboards, radio commercials and print ads is intended to reinforce our vision statement.  We envision a community free of violence for everyone, gay or straight.  We believe that violence is a learned behavior and that by empowering individuals, fostering empathy, and speaking out against sexism, racism, and homophobia, we as a community will realize an end to violence as we know it.

I also believe that our work is directly in line with the teachings of the church.  According to the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, “the Church teaches that persons with a homosexual inclination must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity.  We recognize that these persons have been, and often continue to be, objects of scorn, hatred, and even violence in some sectors of our society.  Such treatment deserves condemnation from the Church’s pastors wherever it occurs.”

Gay men and women are assaulted at alarming rates in our society, and in our own community.  I work toward the day that our offices are empty because people (gay or straight) are no longer abused.  Riverview Center should not have to exist.  I believe that as a “community,” we are better than this.

Last night, Jared slapped his wife repeatedly, pushing her against a wall, and choking her for several minutes.  According to the police report, he also threatened to kill her if she told anyone what had happened.  This wasn’t the first time Denise had been assaulted by Jared, and she knew with certainty that this wasn’t going to be the last.

Jared was my best friend growing up.  We did everything together.  His parents treated me as if I was a part of their family.  Over the years we spent hundreds of hours together playing basketball on the weekends and after school.  We talked at length about our future goals and assumed that we would always be best of friends.  Immediately after high school, Jared went to college and met his soon to be wife, Denise.  They married the year after they graduated and both found jobs close to home.  I was the best man in their wedding.

Before long, Jared had become very successful within the banking industry.  He was always very outgoing, ambitious, and people generally liked to be around him.  He was quickly promoted through the ranks and was well-respected in the community.

Denise knew a different person though; a side of Jared that others did not see.  It was during Denise’s first counseling session that she disclosed when the abused first started.  The physical violence that she experienced was fairly new.  She shared that the emotional abuse started many years ago.  Denise describes Jared as a hard-working man who cares deeply for his family, and can be quite loving.  According to Denise though, Jared often struggles with expressing his feelings, masking his true emotions behind sarcasm and humor.  Jared often feared that Denise did not really love him.  He kept her very close and seemed to be mindful of who she associated with and why.

Throughout the years, Jared became increasingly more controlling in the relationship.  He made all of the decisions, leaving Denise feeling weak and powerless.  Denise’s support system seemed to erode as time passed.  Friends fell away and family visits occurred less and less.  A once confident and successful woman was becoming someone she could barely recognize now.  She no longer pursued her favorite hobbies and activities and was devoting the majority of her time supporting Jared.

When Jared and I would get together, I sensed there were problems between him and Denise.  I should have trusted my instincts and asked what was going on.  Jared would often joke about Denise, putting her down, making her appear to be stupid and overly sensitive.  It pains me now that I never said anything about his remarks.  At this point in our lives, I consider Denise to be a close friend, but still I remained silent.  I wonder if anyone ever challenged Jared’s demeaning behavior toward Denise.  Looking back, my silence was actually consenting to Jared’s abusive behavior.  Never once did I question or challenge his disparaging actions.  If there was anyone that he would have listened to, it would have been me.

An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by their intimate partner each year, and nearly 90% of domestic violence is never reported to authorities.  

Domestic violence is the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or abusive behavior perpetrated by an intimate partner against another.  It is an epidemic affecting individuals in every community, regardless of age, economic status, race, religion, nationality or educational background.  Violence against women is accompanied by emotionally abusive and controlling behavior, and thus is a part of systematic pattern of dominance and control.  Domestic violence results in physical injury, psychological trauma, and sometimes death.  The consequences of domestic violence can cross generations and truly last a lifetime.

Jared is your next door neighbor, your brother, or even your best friend.

Be a true friend and question his behavior.  Let him know that what he is doing and saying is not okay.  Additionally, let Denise know that is not alone, does not deserve to be treated this way, and that you support her.  Speak out against sexist jokes and demeaning language toward women.

Because if you don’t, who will?