I’m just going to write.  I’m not going to worry about how the sentences connect to one another, the grammar, or whether  or not I’m staying on point.  I just need to write.  Maybe it was yesterday’s article in the Telegraph Herald about the bus driver from my school district that got a suspended sentence for raping young boys, not having to serve any jail time.  Maybe it was the death threat I received after our Super Bowl Bingo game that challenged the overwhelming amount of sexism found during the commercials.  Maybe it’s the woman that continues to seek justice for being physically assaulted by her boyfriend, and not being heard.  Whenever it happened and for whatever reason, I’m mad as hell.

I plan on reaching out to the County Attorney about this recent case to ask how it could possibly have ended in a suspended sentence, but I know what the response is going to sound like.  In yesterday’s article, she was quoted about the suspended sentence saying, “it’s the best we could have hoped for.”  Do you have any idea how many times I have heard this from a county attorney, state’s attorney, or judge?  Enough!  It’s not the best we could have hoped for, not even close.  What do you suppose the guy that is thinking about raping a child in our community right now thinks of this decision? And rest assured, he is there.  OF COURSE HE IS!  This decision has only empowered him.  We have done NOTHING to deter him.

Is anyone else as angry and disappointed as I am about this?  Will anyone else question why more than 85% of sexual and domestic assault cases in our community gets dismissed or reduced?  Aside from being concerned about future victims, aren’t you worried about the message this lack of accountability sends to perpetrators?

Here’s the cold, hard truth: We live in communities in which kindergarteners are slaughtered, little boys and girls are raped and abused, and women are physically abused every single night.  And by and large we do nothing about it.  We close a blind eye to it all, focusing our attention on things like gun control, the state of mental health services, increased law enforcement, and the Kardashians.

I’d like to think that everyone I know wants to prevent the violence mentioned before.  But here’s the thing, you need to DO SOMETHING to make it happen.  Violence prevention is not the work for a select few.  It’s ridiculous and quite dangerous to assume such a fallacy to be true.  Hopefully you’re wondering now where you can start.  Start by opening up the newspaper tomorrow or watching the news tonight and paying attention to the stories that include violence against women, sexism, racism, or homophobia.  I’ll bet my paycheck you’ll find one of them there.  Now do something to speak out against this garbage.  Start a conversation with a friend or post something on Facebook.

At the very least, just start paying attention…please.

 

 

 

We need to demand a plan to end gun violence.  We need to demand that President Obama and Congress put forth a plan that addresses gun violence in the United States.  33 Americans are murdered with guns EVERY DAY.  We should call upon the most influential people in our country to put together a message that evokes emotion and a call to action.  Wait….they already did.  Take a look:

Pretty powerful stuff huh?  In the last week more than 6.4 million people watched that video.  Did you check out the website?  If not, here it is again: http://www.demandaplan.org  They suggest that by passing three simple pieces of legislation we will effectively reduce gun violence.  They are as follows:

1. Require a criminal background check for every gun sold in America.
2. Ban assault weapons and high-capacity ammunition magazines.
3. Make gun trafficking a federal crime, with real penalties for “straw purchasers.

Could it really be that simple?  Aren’t we missing something though?  Here’s a different version of that same video that may shed some light on what be missing from this conversation.  (Warning: this video contains graphic violence and profanity that you see every day in the media)

“Hollywood is a culture of violence.”  The average child will see 8,000 murders on television before finishing elementary school.  Violence is a learned behavior.  And they are asking us to “demand a plan?”  Really?  Imagine what might change if Jamie Foxx, Beyonce, Jon Hamm and all those other actors got together and refused to take roles that included gun violence.

Now that’s a plan I would like to demand.

I was driving home after giving a presentation on the effects of media violence recently when Roberta Flack’s “Killing Me Softly” came on the radio, remade by The Fugees.  I’m not sure what they intended with that song, but for me, it spoke perfectly to what is going on in our society with media violence.  I had just spent the last two hours talking about violent video games, music, television, movies, and the internet.  I explained how the exposure to media violence desensitizes all of us; how violence becomes normalized.  Afterwards, many of the audience members wanted to quickly make the case that violent video games and television were to blame for the massacre that took place in Newtown.  It’s just not that simple, I explained.  Something quite sinister is going on though, that much is for sure.

When I talk about how we prevent further exposure to violent video games, I don’t ask students to gather up their X-Box 360′s and Playstation’s so that we can burn them all in the campus parking lot.  The 100+ billion dollar video game industry is here to stay.  We are always going to have the CSI and Law & Order type of television shows that continue to sensationalize violence.  Sylvester Stallone will probably make another Expendables movie or may even surprise us all with a fifth installment of Rambo.  One person is not going to influence these very powerful industries, but that does not mean that we can’t make a difference.

Instead, our focus must be on the conversations that we need to start having with the consumers of these games, music, and television shows.  Those conversations simply are not happening with children and adults.  Forbes magazine recently printed an article reporting that the newly released Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 video game earned more than 500 million dollars in the first 24 hours of this game’s release.  500 million dollars in 24 hours!  What does it mean when what is considered to be the most violent video game also makes the most money, and how are we impacted by this?

Parents need to begin explaining to their children that these games are not real.  In real life, your actions have consequences.  Additionally, if parents witness their children playing violent video games or watching violent television shows and movies, this is a great opportunity to have a conversation about your respective values.  Children (and adults) are looking for role models, and if they are not getting them in real life, they are going to seek them out within our entertainment industry; an industry that earns billions of dollars inundating us with violence…killing us softly.

Like you, I am deeply saddened by the school shooting that took place in Newtown, Connecticut.  27 lives have been lost, and countless others have been destroyed.   This community will never be the same.

My sadness is slowly dissipating though and turning into frustration.  We’ve been here before, and it feels like we’ve learned nothing.  Since 1982, there have been at least 62 mass murders in the United States.  Of the 142 guns possessed by the killers, more than three-quarters were obtained legally, and some of the individuals were mentally ill.  44 of the 62 killers where white, and all but one were men.

Surely you must see the most significant common denominator.  It is so painfully obvious, but yet no one is talking about it.  If 44 of the 62 mass murderers were black, we would be focusing our attention solely on the examination of the African-American culture, and how it is resulting in this type of violence.   If 61 of the 62 killers were women, we would be scrutinizing the socialization of girls in our society.

While funerals are being planned for the 20 children killed by Adam Lanza, the conversation is now focused on gun laws, the inadequacy of mental health services, and the possibility of arming school officials.  There is no mention of the fact that over and over again, white men are entering our schools, workplaces, churches, and movie theaters, shooting and killing people at alarming rates.

More than 95% of all violent crime in the United States is committed by men.  We must begin examining masculinity.  Something is terribly wrong.

For the past ten years I have been asking audiences throughout the United States about manhood.  ”What’s it mean to be a real man in today’s society?”  I have given this gender stereotype presentation hundreds of times and I always receive the very same answers.  ”Tough, strong, aggressive, macho, dominant, controlling, powerful, emotionless, armed, protector, and provider.”  In short, you must be physically strong, take what you want, never back down, and absolutely never express any meaningful emotions for fear of being scrutinized, to be a successful man in today’s society.

This stereotypical definition of manhood is fatally flawed, but continues to be reinforced in our media, television shows, movies, video games, and in our homes.  If we truly want to understand why someone like Adam Lanza, Eric Harris, Dylan Klebold, or James Holmes would perpetrate such heinous crimes, we must first examine why these young men are acting out in such hateful and violent ways.  We need to start asking different questions; questions that have nothing to do with gun laws and mental health.

(above advertisement is for the semiautomatic rifle used in Newtown)

Why are we so fascinated with violence?  Why are the most violent television programs, movies, and videos games, also the most popular?

More importantly, why do we continue to give men a pass when it comes to violence?  As stated previously, more than 95% of all violent crime is committed by men, but the vast majority of men are not violent.  The problem is that not enough men are speaking out against other men’s violence.  Why?

The solution we are looking for is right in front of us.  He’s always been there.  We simply have to empower him to be the man he so desperately wants to be.  Let’s begin by role modeling and mentoring our young men in ways that does not involve degrading and abusing others.  We need to help him break free from the stereotype that not only results in harming others, but also harming himself.  Together, we can realize a community free of violence.

Our goal yesterday was to receive as many gifts as possible for the children and families that Riverview Center serves.  Digger and I met at FXB just after 6am to get ready for the first kickboxing class of the day.  The six-day a week fitness program does not call for kickboxing to take place on Saturdays.  This was extra.  Kip and Laci asked their members to attend an extra class yesterday to support our work by bringing a gift.  It was after all Kip and Laci that started the annual Riverview Center gift drive last year.

My job was to greet people at the door, taking their gifts to the Suburban that Chris let us use from Bird Chevrolet.  Digger was giving everyone a dry fit shirt that Tom at Envision Sports had printed for us the day before.  Kip was busy hanging Christmas lights from the ceiling and Laci was constructing the obstacle course.  At 6:30am sharp the first kickboxing class had started and the Suburban was nearly full already!  My plan was to participate in both classes, but because of the time it was taking me to load the presents, I ended up missing the first class.

Just as the first class was coming to a close, I received a message from Deb Hoffmann (Kip’s mom) on my Facebook page.  She was sorry that her and Jim weren’t there but made it clear that they wanted to support this great effort.  During the few minutes I took to thank everyone after class, I shared that Deb had committed to donating $1 for every person that attended today.  (she knew she was in for at least $150)  Incredible.

In between classes I pulled out all of the seats of the Suburban.  We were running out of room…fast.  The second class came to a close, which was heck of a workout, and the Suburban was jam-packed with Christmas gifts for the children we serve.  Board games, puzzles, Barbie dolls, hot wheel cars, gloves, hats, and Transformers were spilling over into the front seats.  The middle console was stuffed with gift cards.  It was clear that I was going to be making multiple trips.

Next up: Prep for the second phase of the gift drive.  I needed to get all of the gifts from FXB to the Eagles Club for the dinner we were hosting for the community.  Digger was at Carlos O’Kelly’s packing his truck with all of the food and Jenaleigh was at our office grabbing the Christmas tree, decorations, the karaoke machine, and everything else needed to make the party complete.

We all got to the Eagles Club at the same time and it was time to work.  Digger was dialed in.  He and FT donated ALL of the food.  They had enough to serve 200 people.  I knew enough to stay out of the kitchen and let them do what they do best.  I got to setting up the tables and chairs, while Abrey, Jenaleigh, and Coral carried in hundreds of gifts to place under the Christmas tree.  Isaac helped everyone carry gifts in, while taking some mental notes of what he hoped Santa would be delivering to him.  (I’ve got a feeling his letter to Santa just got a little longer from that experience)  While we were taking a cookie break, I shared with Isaac the reason we were all doing this and how it was going to help so many children, some of which have never had a Christmas in which they received presents.  He was excited to help.

It was just before 5pm when Keri from Finnin Ford stopped by.  She pulled me aside and shared with me that all of the employees at Finnin Ford wanted to help ensure that the children and families we serve had a Christmas to remember this year.  With that said, she nearly brought me to my knees when she gave me a check for $1,240!  I thanked her and tried to put into words what this was going to do for so many people.  At that moment I felt incredibly thankful for being a part of the work that I’m in.  I am afforded the opportunity to act as the middle man between people in need and people who want to make a difference.

Shortly after that incredible donation, I heard the faint sound of a bell ringing from the front of the building.  As the bell ringing grew louder and a couple of “Ho Ho Ho’s” could be heard, every child in the room stood up and looked around.  Their eyes were wide open.  What they had hoped for all evening was about to happen.  Santa Jim had arrived.  I thought Isaac was going to push his table over and bowl over a few other kids on his way to see Santa.  Jim did such an amazing job.  I think he talked to every kid in the room last night….three times.  Kids lined up and parents started snapping pictures.  You could find the same level of happiness in the eyes of the adults as you could the eyes of the children.

As dinner was coming to a close and karaoke was starting, I had the opportunity to stop by and chat and with Doug and Julie.  They were chatting with Quinn about why we are all doing this tonight.  Quinn was curious about how all of these gifts were going to get to kids his age.  He was also struggling with the fact that so many kids go without gifts during Christmas.  Quinn was struggling with what many adults struggle with in our community.  Many find it hard to believe that so many children could go without.  We had a great conversation.  I explained to him how he was making such an incredible impact for people he may never meet.  You could tell he understood and felt good about what he was doing.

The dinner was a huge success.  We served nearly 175 people.  Every person that came either brought a gift or donated money for the gift drive.  To be clear though, no one brought just one gift.  People were coming in with bags of gifts, gifts under their arms, and gifts that their children were carrying in.  People stopped by that couldn’t stay for dinner with gifts.

People stayed until 10pm.  Patrick sang some Piano Man and a number of kids (and Quentin) gave us some Avril Lavigne and Carly Rae Jepsen.  I think it was during Quentin’s rendition of “Call Me Maybe” that Susan came over sat down by me.  She told me she had a deal for me.  She shared how moved she was from the evening.  It brought tears to her eyes to see the presents under the tree, the kids talking to Santa, and so many people from our community together to support one another.  She told me that she had donated $25 at the door and she asked that I rip that check up.  She leaned over and gave me a check for $500 and said thank you.

After everything was loaded into the Suburban, and the Eagles Club was cleaned, Jon and I were talking about what had taken place in the last couple days. We were reflecting on the tragedy that recently struck Connecticut, the lives lost, and the community torn apart.  We got to thinking about what took place in our community in the last 12 hours.  Hundreds and hundreds of gifts had been donated.  A relatively small group of people were making a huge impact on the lives of so many.  We were forging relationships with one another that previously were not there.  A strong community was beginning to emerge, and within that community one belief was beginning to take shape.  People were beginning to believe that together, we could accomplish anything; that together, we could move mountains.

There’s something in the air.  It’s electric and I want to bottle it.  I want to learn how to reproduce it and share it with everyone.  People are pouring into our offices with countless presents for our annual gift drive in hand, and they are overjoyed to do it.  Our conference room is filling up…quickly.

We figured out a way to connect our need with the community in a way that inspires people.  We connected.  But how?  I think it’s about how we tell our story.  Everyone loves a good story, but as we all know, there are good storytellers and not so go storytellers.  I was thinking about this last night when reading a book to Isaac before bed.  I was reading “The Three Little Aliens and the Big Bad Robot,” and I was bringing my A game.  I was transitioning through a number of different alien voices, and my sound effects for the robot were believable.  I was really into it, and it was clear that Isaac was eager to get to the next page to hear more.  But he’s heard this story before.  He knew what was on the next page and he’s rarely been this excited about this particular book.

It’s evident that every one of the 22 employees and 63 volunteers of Riverview Center believe in our mission wholeheartedly.  We believe that we are going to realize our vision of a community free of violence.  We are aware of how bold that statement is, but we stand by it with confidence.  Everyone connected to Riverview Center is telling a story that they truly believe in.  You can hear it in their voices and you can see it in their eyes.  Those strongly held beliefs are now being shared with our community, resulting in amazing things.

And so we tell our story.

 

 

I want to better connect with you and help you do the same.  But how?  I needed to go to my place and give this some more thought.  Armed only with my iPod, shuffling through various albums of Audioslave, I took to the hiking trails of Whitewater Canyon.  If you’ve never been, please ask me to take you out there sometime.  I would love to show you around.

Today was definitely a day for reflection, so I took a left and headed for the overlook.

In order for me to connect with you in a way that really matters, I know I need to make myself vulnerable, and vice versa.  That’s where the most meaningful connections are made.  This is excruciatingly difficult for me.  I rarely let myself be seen; seen for who I really am.  I put so much effort in trying to be someone who I’m not; someone who I think others want to see.  And in the end, I’m left feeling alone.

As I stood atop the overlook taking the incredible view in, I began to reflect on the experiences that I have had in my life in which I felt deeply connected to another person.  The first thing that came to mind was when I was in the Marines.  I would have given my life for any one of my peers, that much is certain.  And what’s even more interesting, if any one of those guys were to call me today, nearly 14 years removed, and tell me they needed my help with something, I’d have my bag packed and would be headed out the door in a moment’s notice…without hesitation.  No question.

What if our community felt that type of connection?  Can you imagine what might be realized?  I think about this a lot.  I believe much of the pain and struggle we experience would be eliminated.  I believe we would experience a level of happiness that has not yet been realized in our society.

I know the path we must take together is a path in which we are left feeling exposed.  If we really, truly want to realize something incredible, we must.  I’ve seen what’s at the end of the trail.  I want to share the view with you.

Be vulnerable.  Give me the opportunity to get to know the real you, and I promise that I will do the same.  Truth be told, I’m being vulnerable right now.  It’s been difficult for me to even write this.  I don’t care though.  It’s worth the risk.

Isaac and I were at the mall the other day and we found a Regular Show hat.  (our favorite cartoon)  As usual, Mordecai and Rigby are speaking the truth with the caption “Haters Gonna Hate.”  What a great reminder.

There’s always going to be that 10% that will never connect to or support your message.  (the “haters”)  But fortunately, your message is not for them.  I often have to remind myself of that.  Your message is for the people who already get it or for the for the folks that are on the fence.

For example, when I created a BINGO card that asked people to pay attention to the sexist commercials that are aired during the Super Bowl, my intended audience was not the thousands of men across the globe that are card-carrying MRA’s.  (Men’s Rights Advocates)  I knew they were going to be angry and hate the game.  I was trying to reach the person that would see the BINGO game and use it as a teachable moment with their peers and children.  Hundreds upon hundreds of game cards were sent back to me that were full of comments reinforcing the point that the media plays a large role in the way in which we stereotype men and women in our society.  It was a huge success.

Remember the billboard campaign I ran last year?  My objective was to broaden our violence prevention message while engaging more community members.  The billboard included the following tagline: “Creating a gay friendly community.”  I had realized that our services were not reaching the gay community.  I also realized that me asking our community to be friendly toward gay people was not going to be for everyone, which is why the billboards were repeatedly vandalized.

Every time our billboard was ripped down, I reminded the media that it wasn’t the entire community that put up that ladder and tore it down.  It was one person.  It was that 10%….the 10% that I wasn’t trying to reach with my message.

You can’t reach everyone with your message.  You don’t want to.  I’m never going to change the minds of the guys that sent me thousands of nasty emails and dozens of death threats because of the BINGO game.  I”m never going to change the mind of the guy that pulled our billboard down.  I simply want to expand the choir.  Because the voices of the choir will eventually drown out everyone else.

Don’t worry about the people who will not support you.  They never will.  They will distract you.  They will weaken your message and will prevent you from reaching your audience.  Because in the end, “Haters Gonna Hate.”  They always will.

Last night you woke to a phone call from Mercy Hospital letting you know that your daughter is in the emergency room.  The nurse on the end of the line told you that she was raped.  Your world has just been turned upside down.  Nothing makes sense moving forward.

As you make your way through the entrance of the emergency room you spot your daughter sitting in a hospital gown, crying with her hands over her face.  You run to her with tears running down your face.  You would give anything in the world to take her pain away.  She did not deserve this.  How could someone do this to your daughter?

She struggles to tell you what happened.  She’s trembling.  She’s afraid.  Surprisingly to you, she is blaming herself.  You hold her tight and reassure her that this is not her fault.  You can’t imagine why she would think that way.

The police officer on the scene begins to ask your daughter questions about the assault.  It’s clear that she is uncomfortable and is struggling to repeat her story to a complete stranger.  You both feel like the officer is questioning whether or not the assault actually took place, whether or not this was a legitimate sexual assault.  The police officer is trying to reassure your daughter that she is believed and that they are just trying to get all the details.  You understand, but it’s hard.  You all just want this nightmare to end.

After 5 hours in the hospital, you finally get your daughter home.  You feel like your heart has been ripped from your chest and you feel nothing but sadness…..sadness and anger.  Anger is beginning to well up inside of you.  You are angry at the person that raped your daughter.   You are angry at yourself for not preventing this from happening in the first place.  The anger and sadness are beginning to consume you.

The day ends with you hearing about fellow community members and elected officials discussing instances of “legitimate rape.”  How could this be possible?  How could anyone, for any circumstance, think that any form of rape is legitimate?  How could people be so insensitive?  Do they not know what your daughter and millions of other women and girls have experienced?  There comments suggest that some rapes are not legitimate.  How could such ignorance exist?  The pain that you and your daughter feel has been amplified by these remarks.

1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually assaulted before they turn 18 in our country.  More than 90% of all sexual violence is never reported.  Is there any wonder why so many are raped every day in our community and why so many never ever report it?  We must begin to speak out.  Speak out against the violence perpetrated against others and speak out against the violence supported through this flawed and very dangerous thinking. 

My daughter was born yesterday.  I am so very thankful for this precious gift.  For the second time in my life, I have been made aware of what is most important, while being reminded of how much work I need to do to let go of everything else that is not.  I don’t want to forget the focus I am feeling right now.  It’s clear.  It’s real.

The night before last a few of us gathered to provide dinner for some of the less fortunate in our community.  Men, women, and children showed up to serve food to people who may have gone hungry otherwise.  What really happened that night though was something all together different.  The countless barriers and obstacles that exist that make it difficult for all of us to connect with people in a genuine way were washed away with a few tacos and some Gatorade.  I watched as we became a community.  I watched as we forgot about the differences that exist between us and how we sought out the similarities.

The same question was asked over and over again from the volunteers as we left that evening.  They wanted to know when the  next community project was going to be.  But what they really wanted to know, what they really were wondering about, was when they were going to feel like they did in that moment again.  And why wouldn’t they?  They got a glimpse of what is most important and knew with every fiber in their bodies that it was right; that what they were doing for that one hour on a Friday night was more important than anything else.  They were experiencing the best of themselves.

I have a lot to learn.  No question.  I don’t pretend for a moment to be an expert in anything.  But what I do know with absolute certainty is that each of us are inherently good, and that what is seemingly impossible, can be realized simply by being true to ourselves.  Together, we can change the world.  I believe this.  I must.  I believe it for myself,  I believe it for you, and I believe it for my daughter.  Help me be what I know I can become and I will help you do the same.

Keep me searching for a heart of gold…..